Saturday, March 12, 2011

Just need to get this off my chest

I have been struggling lately. Struggling to keep my cool about some things, but I'm about to explode. That's wouldn't be pretty. I'm going to say things that I won't mean...well, I might actually mean them, but they wouldn't be chocolate coated like normal. I'm all about being honest, but when it comes to my dad and stepmother, that's not quite possible. I mean don't blatantly lie to them, but I don't quite express myself the way I should because last time I did that I was called, selfish, spiteful, and plain old mean. Looking back at the conversation, I can't really recall being any of those things. If anything I was just looking for answers. Answers as to why my dad wasn't telling me the truth about why my mom and him divorced, why my stepmother and dad made my sister and i sit away from the family during my grandfather's (my stepmother's dad- whom I was pretty close to.) funeral, and why my father didn't come to my honor's choir performance when he had a months notice. I was young and looking for answers. It blew up into a huge argument and I walked out got into my car and went to my mom's and didn't spend another night at my dad's the remainder of the school year.

This time around, I am fortunate to not be living under the same roof as them. Thank goodness, because I know I would have become unhinged a lot faster. I'm extremely hurt right now. I try to just chalk it up to daddy issues, but i can't. I need answers. I need him to know that I am hurt. I need him to see the pain he causes, but I doubt he'll open his eyes.

How do I confront him with the things I am hurt over; the fact that he and my stepmother blatantly ignore my parenting rules(not sure if that's the word I'm looking for,) for Evangelina, the fact that he never smiles when he sees me or reaches out for a hug, and I never get a phone call or and I love you. But those aren't the biggest things I am hurting over right now. Right now, I am still trying to get over the fact that he didn't even bother to come to my grandpa's viewing or funeral to support my sister and I. We needed him and he didn't even come. He knew the times and date. He just didn't come. As you can see I am still very much upset about this.

I am just beyond scared to confront him about any of this because i know that I will be hurting even more in the end, but I just need closure I suppose. I need him to know how much he has hurt my sister and I. I just don't know if its best.

I'm really sorry about the not so positive post today. I just needed to vent because I'm pretty sure that this is the reason I'm not feeling 100% lately. I'm just at a loss.

23 comments:

Ashley said...

Don't apologize for not being your usual shining self. Some days, the stars burn a bit brighter while other days, they're a bit more dimly lit. The same goes for you, dear.

You have every right to be upset. Every right to be hurting. Every right to feel the way you do.

For me, I've searched for a lot of answers and came up with nothing. The search killed me. The need and want to find those impossible answers tore me apart.

My advice to you is confront it. Go head on and say what you need to say. But go into knowing you're not selfish, insensitive, cruel, needy, or anything negative. You're human.

And find a way to move forward. If he gives you the answers, then move forward knowing them. Find sanity in those words. But if he doesn't do it - if you're still searching after wards - find peace in your heart. Know that you may never know the things you want to know, but you're still loved. Cherished. Beautiful. And an amazing woman.

Take care, love. I wish the very best for you as I know family problems hit hard and stay long.

Amylou said...

Oh sweet girl! I wish I could give you the biggest hug. I'm so very sorry!
I don't know what is best for your situation, but in my experience, writing a letter has always been best. It allows me to get everything out in the best way possible.
And don't ever apologize. Venting is a good thing.
Love you girl!

Slidecutter said...

Stand your ground, you aren't wrong, acting inappropriately or anything else as Ashley so perfectly stated.

It sounds like your father built a wall, for two reasons; to keep you and your sister away and to hide behind. Get your feelings out in the open, don't give him a chance to hurt you more. As Ashley said, if you don't get the answers, just walk away knowing that you were the better person.

Sweetie, I've lived through this, not with one, with both of my parents. Got some closure from my abusive father right before he died but none from my mother, even before Alzheimer's destroyed her mind. That hurt never really goes away, it just fades to a dull emotional pain.

Don't let all of this take away what makes you so special; that is something you should cherish.

Will keep good thoughts for you!

Patty

Natalie said...

I know I am new to following your blog, but I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry your going through this! I hope you decide what you want to do and find peace in it that! Hugs to you.

Erinsgobragh said...

Don't ever apologize for needing to vent! My father and I haven't talked in almost 4-5 years. In fact he doesn't even know about my daughter Samantha. Why is this, because he disowned me because I married my husband, because hubby isn't rich or Jewish. My father has controlled me all my life and the fact the he couldn't in this matter split us up. so I know about family issues too.

my best friend jules said...

Oh darling, so sorry to hear what you're going through at the moment. You should not be sorry AT ALL how you're feeling. But I'm sure you'll feel better if you are able to confront your dad. He needs to know how you feel and you need to get it off your chest.

I don't know your father, but perhaps he's so locked up inside that he doesn't know how to reach out and be there for you. But at least if you're honest about your feelings, you can move on knowing that you've reached out to him. The ball is then on his court, and I hope that he has it in him to admit where things have gone the wrong path and that he's ready to open his heart to you again.

I hope from the bottom of my heart that you're able to resolve everything with your dad, because every girl deserves a hug from her father.

much love darling!
xxx mervi

Vic said...

SWEETIE THIS IS SOMETHING YOU DEF. DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR AND I DON'T HAVE THE GREATEST FAMILY EITHER SO I CAN VERY MUCH RELATE (WHICH IS WHY WE NEED TO MOVE NEAR) YOU CAN TRY TO WRITE A POST DIRECTLY TOWARDS HIM! AND LET HIM READ IT...I KNOW SOME THINGS-BRYAN AND I BUTT HEADS ON AND WHEN HE READS MY POSTS ITS A DIFFERENT LOOK ON THINGS, YOU KNOW...SOMETIMES THINGS ARE EASIER TO WRITE THAN SAY! I LOVE YOU AND I'M SORRY YOU ARE HURTING, IT'S DEF. SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE MY FRIENDS BEING! I'M HERE TO CHAT ANYTIME AS YOU KNOW--JUST AN EMAIL AWAY AND WILL OFFER ANY SUPPORT AS BEST AS I CAN! LOVE YOU BABES:) XO

Jacqui' said...

We all have our times when we need to just let it out and its honestly healthy that you did it. I agree that you need to confront it because you'll never be completely free from this. Dad issues are HUGE. Tell your Dad how you feel and go from there. I had a daddy issue and now hes come around like I can never imagine. Say whats on your heart and mind and God will handle the rest.

Vanessa said...

We all need to vent at times..do not feel bad about it..it is good to get these things off your chest.

I have no advice for you..I have a parent that occasionally does similar things and I don't know how to deal with it..it sucks doesn't it.

Hang in there and I hope your feeling better..

Vanessa

Chrissy said...

Don't be sorry for your feelings! We are all human beings and we just need to speak what's on our minds to get it out! We all do that and it is very important!

I am very sorry about the whole situation - and I agree with the others, write it in a letter or post and show him how you feel!!!!

I am always here for you! Always!!!
Love you and hope you feel better soon! Love you!!

Leonuh! said...

Oh, sweet :( I can't believe you've been suffering with this. You absolutely have to come to your blogging girls for some venting!
I totally agree with the letter idea. It will mean you don't have to see his reaction while he's reading it and you won't feel horrible that way. It will also mean that you can make sure you word it properly and don't get taken up in the moment and say something you don't mean.
I really hope you feel better soon lovey
xxxx

Gwiddle said...

I'm so sorry that you are hurting sweetie!! That is not fair to you or your sister at all! Feel free to vent anytime you want! We are all human and we can't always be positive. I hope that you can figure something out that can make you feel at peace with the situation soon! Things like this can be so hard. I don't know what to tell you, you should do. I am not the best with advice, but I am here for you anytime you need someone to talk to. Love you Danielle<3

Erin Dawn said...

It's good to vent. Don't feel bad about it. It's a healthy and normal emotion, and it's better to let it out rather than bottle it in.

I have father troubles as well...He was never in my life, but eventually got back together with my mom 18 years later. My dad cheated on my mom with a MUCH younger girl, got her pregnant, and now they're together. It's something I can never forgive him for.

If you need someone to vent to, I'm here. Through e-mails, through letters. xx

...with ♥, Amber said...

Danielle, I hope that from just this post you feel maybe even just a tiny bit better? I hope so. If not, then Im sorry. I think that you need to just speak your mind. If its something that is really bothering you, I bet that getting it off your chest will help so much! Even though you think you will end up hurting worse in the end, I sure do think it will help! Taking a load off your shoulders and then taking a huge breathe of air sure does sound uplifiting doesn't it? Whichever you decide to do, I hope it all goes well. Take care.

Sherri said...

OOOH, I so wish I could give you a hug! Don't apologize, not everyday can be a completely happy one. I totally feel you, cuz my mom has let me down too...a number of times. It hurts for a long. Be true to yourself, do what feels right for you!! xoxo hope your weekend is a good one!

Victoria said...

No one can be positive 100% of the time. Seriously. Especially when it comes to family not treating you the way you deserve to be treated.

I wish I had advice for you but I don't. My own mother didn't come to my wedding because she doesn't like her family and couldn't spend a few hours with them. She also bashes my family, even the young ones, often in in really mean ways. I sometimes want to rip her apart but I can't because she's my mom. I never know what to do.

Just know you're not alone.

cakeologist said...

I don't have any advice. My daughter is going through crap with her dad and I don't know what to tell her either. A letter sounds good to me as it would allow you to vent. Sadly, my experience is that some people will never open their eyes to the pain they cause. I know my daughter would be better off if her father would disappear from her life completely, but she still keeps hoping he will suddenly start acting the way a father should.

I am so sorry you are hurting.

Slidecutter said...

I have to chime-in again to say that I'm in with everyone who advised you to write a letter to your father; in fact, write two of them.

When I went to an Alzheimer's support group while my mother was alive and living with us, several of the professionals who sat in for discussions all touted the idea of writing a letter of either positive or negative issues, not to be sent, but to burn. Somehow, this helps bring closure to things that might otherwise remain unsettled in our lives.

Everyone wants to see you get through this Danielle!

Sunday Hugs,

Patty

Chelsea Elizabeth. said...

No need for an apology! It's perfectly okay to vent, it's much better than keeping it all locked up inside. Im sorry your going through all of this. I know it might hurt worse in the end but maybe you just need to tel lyour dad how you feel. Even if he doesnt act like it, Im sure he will think about your words at some point. Maybe telling him how you feel will be the closure you need. Good luck with all of this, I know you can get through it.

<3Chelsea Elizabeth
http://www.organizedxxmess.blogspot.com

Shalyn said...

Hey beautiful, I am so sorry that you are having a hard time. It makes me sad. I don't have the best relationship with my dad either but it sounds liek the two of you really need to have a heart to heart without your mil around- just you two. You will feel much better being honest with him about how much he has hurt you. Good luck and I hope your day is going much better!

Hearthandmade said...

Maybe you could email the link to this to ur stepmum n she cud kick his butt? u still sound like your just a baby yourself. It's hard to be in such a position where you simply cannot communicate. It may be worth just coming out with it all to finally get your answers.

I always treat a day as if it could be my last. If I have an issue with someone I come right out n say it n deal with it there and then cuz either one of us cud b hit by a bus tomorrow and the other wud live the rest of their lives with regret.

Katie said...

Hi my sweet friend. You're always so positive and look at the bright side. Never, ever apologize for expressing how you feel even if it's not in the normal tone you show us. We are all human and go through obstacles. It's truly amazing to share with others because as they see you who is strong and positive going through something and you will get through it, then you'll show us that even when we run into these roadblocks good can come of it.

You're beautiful my friend :)

xoxo
Katie

Rosie said...

Go see this person, tell them, in blunt, concise terms, how you feel, and the things they did to make you feel that way. Be prepared to be told you are the worst of human beings for doing so.

Don't cry in front of them. Hold your head high, and walk away. GO somewhere quiet, and yell, scream and cry until you are drained. Then, pick yourself up, and get on with the life you deserve. Don't let these people drag you down.

THe issue is theirs, not yours, and you need to let it go. You are hurt, and have been hurt, by their actions. There is no question of that. But, you don't need to let them keep hurting you. SO don't. Let them and their crap go, and move on.

xoxo

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